The Air in August

I miss the way the air felt at the beginning of August. It just felt different because it meant one thing…volleyball season. Man it just hit different. Everything about that time of year was just it. It was fresh, exciting, high spirited, so much optimism, so much opportunity. 

There’s nothing quite like putting on your shoes for the first time that Monday morning. Volleyball shoes if you’re fortunate enough, but usually it was tennis shoes first for testing. I truly didn’t care tho, I lived for this time of year. Every ounce of it. 

I have a confession…I loved three a days. If you played with me, this is not breaking news at all!!

I loved being so sore that I could hardly get out of bed.

I loved spending all day along with my teammates, except for when I didn’t!

I loved the team dinners and eating such good food. I wish I hadn’t been afraid to eat more of it back then. 

I didn’t totally hate the shin splints I had all week from the shoe + court combo either (ok but I didn’t love it).  

It almost makes my stomach hurt how I can just about feel all of this so closely and emotionally, but can’t physically experience it anymore. This will be my 4th year not starting a new season (almost cried typing that number bc how is that possible). It doesn’t hurt as bad as it did in year 1, but the longing for all of it hasn’t gone away. It hurts in a way that’s tough to explain unless you’ve been here.

So if you’re lucky enough to put your shoes on, court or tennis shoes, don’t take it for granted. 

When you physically cannot get out of your dorm bed, tuck and roll.

If you’re able to spend so much time with your teammates that you can’t stand each other, take it one step further and tell another joke they’ll all hate. 

When you have the opportunity to take an ice bath, you better take it. It’s not supposed to be fun, it’s literally ice. 

When you’re offered seconds at the team dinner, take them. And yes, eat the dessert too. You’ll be okay!

If the air feels different for you in August, take a moment to soak it all up. Immerse yourself in the month of August, and enjoy all the shin splints and inside jokes that come with it. You won’t get this time back. I know you “hate it”…but I also know you’re probably lying. 

Signed, 

A retired #10

Top 3 Challenges of Life After Sport

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ve heard (read?) me talk about this in more depth. But whether you have or not, I want to sum up what in my opinion are the most challenging aspects of life after sport. It’s been on the front of my mind lately, and the further away I get from my career (a whole 3 years ago) the more I feel like my eyes are opened to what made/makes the transition afterward so difficult.

These aren’t in any ranked order, because from my experience I think they’re all pretty equal. I could make an infinite list, but I’ll spare both of us some time and just talk about my top three. Your list might look a little different, but I feel like we can all relate to these to some extent!

1) Value/Identity - You eat, sleep, breathe your sport. For years on years. The longer you play, the more it naturally becomes your identity to the outside world because it’s what you do, it’s how people know you, and unfortunately it can become the entirety of the way you identify yourself too. It’s easy to get to this point, and it’s hardly every intentional. The onset of this is pretty much undetectable, and happens at a very early age, which allows it be the foundation of which your entire identity/personality is built.

Similarly, your sport is how you identify yourself. Obviously, you’re proud to be an athlete, to be a part of your team and represent your school, and you want people to know. This is the tip of the iceberg, and it slowly begins to be where you find your value and self worth. The better you get and the longer you play, the more recognition/awards/attention you’ll receive. Once again, without you even noticing, this is where your value is not only found but rooted. Your entire sense of self worth depends on your performance, and your value tends to fluctuate with your stats.

Then, overnight, all of this is gone. There’s a good chance you no longer know who you are or where your value comes from, and you’re left to figure it all out for yourself. You almost have to start from scratch, which can be scary, but is also necessary.

2) Purpose/Direction- I know it sounds silly, maybe crazy, but I truly didn’t think much about life after sport. I mean I thought about it, I knew it was coming or whatever, but it wasn’t my reality yet and I didn’t allow it to cross my mind longer than 2 minutes. I cared about my grades and did well, but what happened after I graduated was none of my concern!! I had more pressing things to worry about, like a volleyball. Until I didn’t.

As I mentioned, it’s been 3 years and I am just now starting to figure out what I want my career to look like, and developing/acting on my passions outside of playing a sport. One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced is feeling like nothing I’ve done since volleyball has truly mattered or had a purpose. Like nothing I could do after volleyball would be more impactful or impressive than what I did on the court. It’s been challenging, but I’m starting to feel like I can see a glimpse of purpose for what I’m doing, and believe that it does matter. This happened the opposite of over night.

If you’re one of the chosen ones who knew what they wanted to do before starting college…I mean good for you honestly. If you happened to spend more than 2 consecutive minutes thinking about it over the course of 4+ years of college, again...good for you. Maybe you figured it out right after college and have been coasting in your sense of purpose ever since then...love that for you. And if your situation is like mine...hate to see it! (But welcome to the club).

Whatever your life/path/journey has looked like, I have a strong feeling that you’ve struggled in some degree in finding your purpose or the direction of your life after sport. It’s pretty normal, and it’s okay.

3) Body- This is the obvious one, we all know how hard this one hits. Simply put it’s just hard to maintain the level of activity that you’ve sustained for 10+ years (esp. at the intensity you came off of in college). This is one I’ve touched on a lot, because it’s such a big deal and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves about it. Your entire life has basically been a repeating cycle of practicing-lifting-competing for countless years. All of it was structured for you, and all you had to do is show up and maybe complain about being there but in reality you actually loved it. At the time it seems like an unbearable task to simply show up, as if we didn’t sign a paper agreeing to it, but really it was a blessing. After you showed up, all you had to do was show out. You got to do your thing and didn’t have to plan or think twice about the structure of the practice, lift, any of it.

Then, as we all know, it’s over. No more “sorry I can’t, I have practice” or “sorry, I have 6am lift” texts to be sent. You’re on your own. Workout or don’t workout, that’s on you. The frequency, intensity, duration, it’s all on you now.

The second layer of this is how we naturally attach #1, our value/identity, to our athletic bodies. It just becomes who we are, and we’ve always maintained a certain body type because of how much training we were doing. It’s science. And it’s hard to feel like you no longer identify with that part of you, whether you keep training or not.

This entire topic is very close to my heart, and it’s because of the extent to which I experienced it all and how unprepared I felt for this part of life. 3 years later, all three of these topics are easier but they’re still not fully overcome in my life (but we’ve come such a LONG way). If y’all have any more aspects which you have struggled/struggle with post athlete, I would love to hear them and talk about them. You’re doing great by the way. Give yourself time to figure it out, and be nicer to yourself during this process.

Tips for Navigating the Gym

I recently joined a commercial, normal type gym for the first time in a very long time. Honestly, it’s the first “real” commercial gym membership I’ve purchased on my own, because I have simply always just worked out in the weight room of whatever school I was playing or working at. But my life altered once again (shocking) and the time came for me to join one. I do like the gym I have joined very much, and I’ve been enjoying my time there! But if I’m being honest, it was a bit of an adjustment at first and opened my eyes to things about ~gym culture~ I hadn’t paid much attention to before.

The first time I visited this gym, I sat in my car for at least 20 min because I was nervous to go inside. It made me laugh when I really thought about the fact that I was intimidated to go into a gym…when I have literally been working out my entire life. This is the place where I feel most comfortable. Which then led me to realize how intimidating it truly must be for people who are new to the gym, and don’t have much experience or background.

There are so many factors that lead up to a person making the decision to start working out and deciding that they actually want to join a gym. But that’s only the start of it. You then have to actually go out and pick one. It can be tough to know what to even look for in a gym, and even where to look for one. But wait, there’s more…you then have to take it ANOTHER step further and go into said gym and workout.

So now you’re inside the gym, but it doesn’t stop there. How do you know where to start? What machines to use? How to use these machines? If you’ll be in the way of someone else? What to wear? Where to put your stuff? On and on and on. It’s tough to navigate a new gym, regardless of whether an employee or someone is there to help guide you. It’s hard to feel comfortable no matter your circumstance, and it may take a while to actually feel at ease in a new gym. This is all normal.

If you’re at the point where you’ve made the decision to join a gym, but don’t know where to go from there, I’m proud of you. If you’re looking to switch gyms, get back into working out, or are trying to pick it back up post athlete, I’m proud of you. Wherever you’re at, I want to help give some tips/advice that might be helpful in this process:

1. Try out multiple gyms. I tried more gyms than I can count when I first moved to Dallas. If they had a free trial, I was there. I was all over this city until I found what worked best for me.

2. Try various styles of workouts/gyms: commercial gyms, studios, cycle classes, group classes…you get the point. Don’t knock it till you try it.

3. Go with a friend if you can. This can help ease the anxiety a bit, or at least give you someone to laugh about it with.

4. Ask for help. Some gyms have employees who are super hands on and will walk you through the entire gym front to back, or help you throughout the class/workout. Some are the exact opposite. If you have questions, ask them. If you need help, ask for it. It might be intimidating, but they’re there to help you!

5. It doesn’t matter what you wear. I promise. What matters is that you feel comfortable and able to move in whatever your fit of choice is. It’s really not as deep as we try to make it.

6. Stick with what you know the first time. If you’re going to a gym with a bunch of new machinery and bars and bells that you’ve never used before, proceed with caution. Do what you know, and if you must use that fun little machine, I urge you to ask for help!

7. Take the pressure off of yourself. It might feel like everyone is staring at you, but I guarantee most people are so focused on their own workout that they don’t have the energy to pay that much attention to anyone else (unless it’s your gym crush, then the rules obviously change).

8. If you want to be in the gym, you belong there. You’re qualified right now, as you are. Believe that, show up, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!!

If you’re still here reading, I’m going to share a story that might make you feel better if you’re new to the gym, and will probably make you laugh whether you’re new or not. About 2 months ago at this newer gym of mine, I fell face down on a treadmill. Yes, you heard me. All 75 inches of me slapped the treadmill, feet slipped first then gravity took the rest of me down. I immediately jumped back up and pretended nothing happened, and asked the people sitting court-side to act like they didn’t see anything. I was sore for days and I still have not emotionally recovered. I share this just to remind you that it’s not that serious, and to encourage you to get out there even if you’re nervous, embarrassed, or whatever other feelings you may have. And maybe to warn you not to walk across a treadmill going over 11mph. That’s the best gym tip I can give honestly.

See you at the gym soon!!

Reflecting on Life as a High School Athlete

So I’m sitting here playing around with creating what an ideal full day of eating might look like for a high school female athlete (for my dietetic internship), and it is giving me major flashbacks. As I’m coming up with various food combinations, trying to make sure there’s enough protein, fats, carbs, etc. in each meal/snack, I can’t help but to reminisce on what I was eating at this age. Or should I say….wasn’t eating.

It’s appalling, it’s alarming, and it is downright concerning that I was doing that much off of that little. I genuinely have no idea where any of my energy was coming from or how I sustained the lifestyle that I did while staying overall pretty healthy. And the worst part is that I wasn’t the only one who was doing it, and I’m definitely not the last female teenage girl to do so. It has been a couple years, but I’m going to try to recall the foods I ate to the best of my ability, or at least what sticks out the clearest in my mind.

I don’t really remember eating breakfast, maybe I grabbed a granola bar or banana while I was rushing out the door to go to school. I mean who had the time to eat an actual breakfast while also trying to get ready, and pack your 6 bags for the day to go from class to practice to class to another practice and then to another practice? Y’all really expected me to eat food at a time like that, when I also probably woke up late? I was starting my day running on little to nothing, going to a couple classes and then going to practice. Strike one. After practice #1 of the day we had lunch, which looked different day to day when I was able to go off campus for lunch. Though where I ate changed by day, one thing stayed consistent-I was sure to eat as little as possible. I don’t know if this was intentional at that age, or maybe it was just a habit because I thought I didn’t need a lot of food. Either way, I wasn’t eating enough to sustain me through more class, followed by practice #2. I think I would have a snack before the next practice, at least I really hope I did, but can’t confirm. Strike two.

Depending on the time of year/what sport I was playing, I would sometimes have to go straight from practice #2 at school to practice #3 for club ball. This was my life during basketball season while I was also playing club volleyball. I would either go straight from school to practice #3, or I would stop by my house to change into shorter shorts and different shoes, and grab whatever my rockstar of a mother had prepared for me to eat on my way there (thanks mom). Then after practice I would come home at 10pm and finally start my homework…idk what life I was living or how I sustained any of that, but what I do know is that I absolutely loved it.

Now, I do have to acknowledge that my chaotic life and schedule played a big part in me not eating enough. It’s hard to do so when you’re always on the go, and don’t always have food with you. But it didn’t help that when I did eat, or did have food with me, I wasn’t optimizing that. I was eating as little of the food available to me as possible, rather than taking advantage of the opportunities I did have to fuel my body. I definitely could have been better about snacking throughout the day to sustain my energy as well, but I probably had bigger things to worry about, like physics.

The other side of this is (yes, you guessed it)….society, diet culture, etc. The main flashback that hit me was how I used to be obsessed with ~meal replacement shakes~. When I say obsessed, I mean it. I would sometimes go for breakfast, but definitely went for lunch multiple times a week. #expensive. Think about the lifestyle I just described above….these shakes should not have been a part of my diet, much less used to replace an ENTIRE meal. Whether they had “protein” or not…there is simply no way they were providing the same nutrients that whole foods could have. I would legit eat (drink?) these for lunch, and then not consume another calorie before going to practice #2. I vividly remember this being the norm during my junior and senior years. If you recall, lunch was right after practice #1, so that means I was eating this as post workout fuel, on top of using it as the only energy source before practice #2. Strike three.

I went all throughout the year, but I remember the frequency being heightened around prom time, as well as when season ended my senior year and I wasn’t practicing as much. There is an obvious correlation as to why I went more often during these specific times. That correlation is because I thought it was better for me to only “eat” these if I wanted to look good in my prom dress, and because I didn’t think I needed to eat food since I wasn’t in season/burning as many calories (yikes). I knew I wanted to be as small as possible (because I legit thought I was supposed to be), and I knew that these shakes were “lower in calories.” So obviously they had to be better for me than food, because food has calories..and this wasn’t technically food, right? Strike four..maybe five too.

At surface level, we know that athletes/more physically active people need to consume more calories due to increased energy requirements. They have different needs and simply can’t eat the same as everyone else. But athlete or not, everyone needs real food. You literally need it to live. To optimize your school/work day, ability to stay focused, to boost your mood, and so much more.

The high school age group requires a heightened need of all nutrients, macros, and micros the world has to offer. This is when immense growth and development is happening. The tough part is that this is also the age where body image and the pressure of society’s expectations becomes so loud that all that nutrient stuff doesn’t matter.

If you’re a teenage girl, please hear me when I say that you need to eat food. You deserve to take up space, to make it through a school day without being so hungry you can’t focus. You deserve to fuel yourself properly both before and after practice. You deserve to have enough energy to be the best athlete and best version of yourself in general that you can possibly be. You not only deserve these things, but your body requires them.

If you’re a parent, a coach, teacher, anyone who has direct contact with this age-you have a responsibility. This is to make a difference in these young women’s lives. (Boys struggle with all of this too, so please don’t forget to support them as well. I’m just speaking from experience as a female). You have the power to speak life into this age by not talking about diets, your body, their body, someone else’s body or food choice, etc. They are listening to everything you say, and whether either side realizes it or not, your words have a direct impact on their food choices and the way they view themselves/their bodies. If we want this age to grow up to have a good/healthy relationship with food and their bodies, it starts here. You’re in a really cool, powerful position, and I urge you to use it for the most good.

I know this post alone won’t change the cycle of what this age is going through, but I’m hoping it starts a ripple among those who do read it, that will eventually turn into a wave. Put simply- we need to teach this age how to properly fuel their bodies, and more importantly that food is fuel and not the enemy/something to fear or restrict.

PS) This doesn’t just apply to teenagers, but to all of us as humans. <3

Twenty Twenty-One

Let’s be honest, the year 2021 started off pretty slow, kinda chill actually, then sis started swinging a few months in and just never stopped!! While taking a trip down memory lane as I unpacked this year, I found myself writing 5 whole pages in what was supposed to be a quick reflection. I’ve brought my biggest takeaways here to share from a year like no other, and I hope that what I’ve been through and learned will resonate with at least one other person. I also want to encourage you if this wasn’t the happiest year of your life, you’re not alone.

Put simply, this year was hard. Very hard honestly. A lot happened. A lot of life altering decisions and events took place. I spent a large amount of time on my own, fighting battles that only occurred behind closed doors or between my ears. I spent lots of time questioning things, asking questions I’ll never get the answers to. I also spent lots of quality time with people who mean the world to me. I got to reunite with friends from different walks of life for weddings, road trips, college reunions, and some circumstances not as ideal as others, but meaningful moments nonetheless.

I cried a lot. Like an embarrassing amount. For many reasons, such as moving from Pensacola and leaving the city I fell in love with behind, finishing up my time with the program and the athletes that are still so special to me, and well because I quite literally had no plan when I left there. I just packed up and drove west, barely able to see the road through the tears due to all the uncertainty in my life. That was quite the bold move by me. I also cried a lot because I experienced loss like I’ve never gone through before, and acquired a new lifelong partner-grief.

I learned a lot too. Quite literally because I finally graduated with my Masters in Public Health, so I’m like pretty smart now. But I also learned a great deal about life, all while knowing I still don’t really know anything. I learned about a new side of collegiate athletics, and that no matter what your involvement is in sports, it requires hard work and lots of time. On top of that, I relearned that relationships are the root of everything. Without them, it’s hard to find meaning in your day to day routine.

I figured out that it’s okay to not have it all figured out. Although it’s scary, terrifying actually, it’s okay to not have a plan. I mean heck, I lived with one of my best friends for the first 3 months in this new city (s/0), while using my car as a closet for the majority of that time. I dove into two new jobs that I had never done before, with people I didn’t know at all. Now I kind of know what I’m doing, and those people mean a lot to me. It was very unlike me to not have a set plan, but also very much like me to take the hardest route possible because I knew it’d help get me where I want to go.

This “time line” that we’re all supposed to be following or whatever is a whole bunch of nonsense. It doesn’t exist. There is no blue print for life, it’s not a one size fits all approach. Not everyone is going to reach the same milestones before the age of 25, and not all of us even have the same goals for our lives. Wherever you’re at in your own story or “time line” is unique because it’s your own. I have to remind myself constantly that I’m not behind, not a failure, and my life certainly isn’t any less significant because it looks different than others. That’s what makes it special, and that’s probably my greatest take away from the year 2021. That and the fact that life is short. It’s so very short, and even when it doesn’t feel like any of this matters, it all matters.

Whatever you experienced this past year, all the things you faced either privately or publicly, it matters. It’s all important in the story of your life, and it’s a different story than anyone else had this year. Take every ounce of these past 12 months with you moving forward, cherish the good and grow from the bad, and use it all as you continue to grow from this point on. I’m doing my best to practice that as well.

Lastly, don’t take life too seriously, and spend more time with the people who really matter to you. Your time is valuable, but it’s never wasted when spent with those you love.

Here’s to everyone in this new year of 2022, wishing nothing but good things, growth, and dad jokes in your every day. :)

Room for Everyone

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is how difficult we make working out, fitness, exercise, etc. We overcomplicate it so much to a point that it turns people away, all for what reason?

I think it’s time that we stop judging and/or stop caring about the way other people workout. It’s ironic really, we beg people to get more active, we complain about the overall lack of “health” in our country, yet judge people when they want to do something about it in a way that looks different from ours.

If you want to lift, lift.

If you want to run, run.

If you want to do Pilates, simply do Pilates.

If you want to walk your dog, just make sure you have a bag to pick up after them.

If you want to do a group workout, by all means do it, and go make some friends while you’re at it!

If you want to do a combination of it all because you can’t be tied down, please DO IT.

It’s one thing if you’re working towards a specific goal or training for an event/competition. That’s a whole different story. But reality is that most people are not, and they just want to get their heart rate up, feel good, and perhaps challenge themselves. I have good news, there is room or each of these types of people to exist and space for everyone!! Just because someone else is training differently than you are, doesn’t add to or take any value away from what you’re doing.

The reality is that it can be tough to get started, because it feels like you don’t know where to start or what to do. My advice for you is to do whatever it is that makes you feel comfortable, keeps you active, and is something you enjoy!! It’s important to keep in mind that you will in fact not always enjoy a workout, even if it’s a workout style that you prefer (believe me). But it does help to be in an environment you thrive in, and that challenges you all while allowing you to feel safe to grow. If you have a good base and somewhere you feel comfortable going, you’re more likely to be consistent in your activity and find motivation to keep returning (and wanting to return day after day). Also don’t get frustrated if it takes some time-the longer you do something, the better you will get at it. Don’t be afraid to try new gyms, classes, etc. I know how intimidating it can be at first, but it’s important and acceptable to try different things so you know what you like!

Simply put, we overcomplicate movement and exercise so much that it often steers people away, or makes others feel like what they are doing isn’t good enough. If you aren’t helping or encouraging others in their journey, I beg you to stay in your own lane and keep your eyes on your own results (but it’s also totally cool if you can help others in the midst of your own journey as well). If you’re new to exercise/working out, don’t be intimidated-everyone began somewhere! The hardest part about starting is getting out of your comfort zone and stepping into a new space, but that’s when the growth tends to happen. The benefits of exercising go far beyond trying to lose weight or alter your body, and we all deserve to reap the rewards!!

The Pre-Game Lettuce Wrap

I recently had a conversation with one of my former teammates about the silly ways we treated our bodies in college. She brought up how after we played a certain school we would always go to this burger place, and I immediately knew which one she was referring to. I could picture everything about that restaurant because of how much I dreaded going there due to my irrational fear of burgers, not because the food wasn’t good. We discussed how after games we would try to consume as little as possible if we felt like we didn’t earn our food, or didn’t get enough playing time to eat the food that we desired to. 9 times out of 10, I didn’t order the bun on my burger because I thought that I had no business eating the “excess” carbs or calories…after playing over three hours of volleyball. Let me repeat that, I thought that I didn’t deserve to eat bread after playing 3 to 5 sets of volleyball, plus an hour warm up. I didn’t view bread as a source to replenish the carbs, glycogen, and literally all energy I just depleted. I simply saw it as extra carbs that I thought I didn’t need.

Pre-game or post-game, I would try to condense the calorie count of everything I ate, no matter what is was.

For some reason, one meal that I remember very specifically was a pre-game meal during my freshman year. We went to a sandwich shop (because what team doesn’t) and I had the nerve to order a lettuce wrap instead of a sandwich with actual bread. I have no doubt that I did this multiple times in the years to follow, whether it was opting out of bread completely, eating a salad at subway, or choosing a different side than the one I actually wanted because I was afraid of eating extra calories. At the time, I thought I was doing great things and that I was the epitome of health and pre/post-game fuel. I was under the impression that I was setting myself up for success by eating less. Looking back, I can’t help but laugh a little that I thought all of this was not only a good idea, but beneficial for my body as an athlete. I’m all for a casual lettuce wrap, but maybe just MAYBE not as the only fuel source hours before a match.

I strongly believe that athletes need to know their bodies, and understand what foods are best for them to eat both pre and post game. Do I think I would have performed better had I eaten a cheeseburger and fries before a match?? That’s a big no. I also don’t think I would have been allowed to do that lol. I know my body, and I know that I would have felt lethargic after eating that right before a match. But I also know that the lettuce wrap didn’t quite do it for me, so that means I needed to find a happy medium between the two. For me this looked like a sandwich with the bread, and a filling side with some fats. Everyone's needs are different, and it takes trial and error.

Believe me, I’m the first person to encourage athletes to be mindful of the foods they’re putting into their bodies and to fuel in a way that’s conducive to their sport. But I also now understand that there is a very, very fine line between eating healthy, and being so obsessed with what you eat that it turns unhealthy. There is a big difference between mindful eating, and a mind full of eating. The thing for me is that once again, I thought I was dong the right things and eating healthy meals not only before, but after a game. There is so much I didn’t understand, and as a result I made food choices that were not conducive for my body as an athlete. It’s a wonder I was able to do what I did on so little fuel, and I fear how many athletes are currently doing the same.

The point of this is, you have to try things to figure out what’s best for your body. Athlete or non athlete, there are certain foods that will help you to feel your best, and make you feel more energetic. There are also foods which can induce the opposite feelings. There’s a time and place for both of these categories, you just have to experiment and figure out what works best for YOU. It’s important to remember that just because you’re on the same team, doesn’t mean your food needs are the same. Same goes for eating with family or friends. Keep your eyes on your own plate and try not to compare your food choices to others, either in a positive or negative light. Don’t be afraid to order the bread on your sandwich, whether you’re about to compete or not!! Food is fuel, and carbs are not the enemy-they’re energy, and they taste pretty dang good too!

The Truth Behind Traveling

I’ll admit it, I’m that person who struggles with traveling, because I never know when/if I’ll be able to workout, or what I’ll be eating. But something crazy has happened recently. In the past month or so, I have traveled out of state twice to be in two weddings, and for a weekend at the lake with my best friends from college. This has involved many days of traveling, both in the car and in airports, and many days where my schedule was essentially out of my control. Here’s the crazy part, even though my workout schedule was totally thrown off, and the food I ate/when I ate was mostly out of my hands as well-I SURVIVED.

I won’t lie, I struggled with all of these adjustments while on the road because simply “not caring” about them is just something I can’t turn off completely. Rather than getting upset that I can’t turn it off, I realized that I could control my thoughts, and I made a conscious decision to do so every day. Sure, I would have loved to get in a few workouts while on the road, but I typically wasn’t able to (except that time I was bamboozled into doing CrossFit with my bestie & former teammate). I’m typically fine with taking 2 days off, 3 being the most I can handle without spiraling. This past month has severely challenged that mindset, and pushed me to be okay with 3 days off, sometimes a day more. I won’t pretend that I didn’t spend quite a bit of time thinking about how much I wished I could just get in a quick workout, but for the first time I didn’t let it ruin my trip, or control my mind to the point where I couldn’t focus on the moment and be present.

Hear me out, I’m not saying I neglected my body’s needs and said RIP to my health. I was just able to compartmentalize and understand that this was temporary, and my routine life would be right where I left it once I got home. Through this, I saw the significance behind what I was experiencing. That the weight room isn’t going anywhere, but these weddings are only happening once. That the barbell will always weigh the exact same, but my friends from college will not always be in the same room at the same time. I realized that this is the stuff that matters. I love working out just as much as anyone, probably more than most people, but I’m not going to look back in 5 years and remember that sick leg day I had on a random Friday in June of 2021. What I am going to remember are the nights spent staying up late with my friends catching up on each other’s lives, reminiscing on college stories, and making new memories.

In terms of eating, I found that although I wasn’t necessarily in control of what I was eating or at what time I was eating, I still had a decision to make. I could opt out of eating the tacos, the pasta, the BBQ, the wedding cake/cupcakes, etc. all because I was afraid of what eating them would do to me. Especially while not working out!!! (sarcasm). But I chose a different route-I ate the food that was served. I honestly knew that this was my only option, and it was either eat this food or don’t eat at all, and I was not interested in the latter. Instead of excessively overindulging on all of these foods because they would generally be listed under my “fear foods,” I ate them in moderation. I got enough to satisfy myself and my hunger levels, but didn’t feel the need to eat beyond that and was able to break free from my old habit of the last supper mentality (meaning that since I don’t eat these foods very often, when they are in front of me I would just go crazy and eat to where I felt stuffed and uncomfortable because I didn’t know when I’d allow myself to eat them again). To me, that’s big time growth.

I feel it’s important to mention that I made an effort to be extra cautious of my words and the way I talked about my body and food in these environments as well. Just because I wasn’t feeling incredible and wished that I could workout or eat something “healthier” didn’t mean everyone else felt the same. Sharing the negative thoughts I had about my body or the food could have ruined it for someone else, who wasn’t thinking the same thoughts before I said something. Diet culture is rampant always, but especially in a room of a dozen young women who spend the entire day getting ready for a wedding and staring at themselves in the mirror. This is the last place for negative comments about how you look, or the food that’s being served. It’s contagious, and it’s not conducive to you or the people around you, I promise!

To sum it all up, the gym isn’t going anywhere, and neither is your meal prep. It will all be waiting for you when you return to your normal, routine life. While nutrition and activity are important, they’re not typically where the memories are made. When life presents you with opportunities and once in a lifetime experiences, don’t let them become less significant because you can’t be present in the moment. After all, these moments are the big moments that we look back at in our camera roll for years to come.

It’s also perfectly fine to be on vacation and workout if you have the chance and you want to. I actually prefer to get some type of movement in if possible. It’s also cool if you order something green instead of something fried, simply because you feel like doing so. I like to incorporate some of my normal, nutrient dense foods when I travel as well to help me feel like myself (I draw the line at paying $10 for a snack pack of 3 carrots and 2 tomatoes at the airport though). Whatever you do, just try not to get so caught up in all of it that you allow these things to consume you and take away from the beauty of a vacation and a memory in the making.

Pen to Paper

If I’m being honest, I have told y’all far too much about me. More than you probably ever cared to know, but I don’t regret it. I’ve also realized that I have shared my heart and deepest struggles here, but that’s where I have left things. I feel like I could keep going on and on about my experiences and stories from my career and life, and I’ll continue to share those, but for now I think I need to go another direction.

Many people have told me that they relate to the words I’ve written, and I am grateful to know that there are people out there who are feeling seen and heard, but to me that’s not enough. I want to help encourage and guide people out of this stagnant place of “relating,” and into a life of taking action. For a long time I felt like I was just sitting in the bleachers, watching others live their journeys out of disordered eating, into positive body image, etc. I was engulfing myself in all of these topics, reading and learning about how to gain this freedom I longed to have, but never taking it any further. When I finally decided that I deserved to get in the game myself is when things changed for me. If you’re reading this, I firmly believe it’s because you desire to overcome the lies in your head, and take hold of the negative thoughts that you’ve maybe let control you for too long. And I believe you deserve that.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again-I am not a professional. I am simply someone who has been there and has experienced everything that I write about. I also haven’t mastered the art of overcoming all of this by any means, but I sure have come a long ways over the past few years, and I’m going to start sharing the things that I have been practicing and implementing in my own life to do so. I’ll try to spread these out over a couple entries, because I want to go as in depth as possible with each of them. I also want to give time to put each idea into practice, rather than coming in hot with multiple ideas at once which obviously can’t all be implemented in one day. Rome wasn’t built in a day, ya feel?

As I have referenced in just about every post, I have a journal (which I have found is really just the grown up word for a diary). I’ve been a faithful journaler for many, many years. Honestly, I was an OG with the password journal back in the day. I would kill to find mine and read what was so important that my 8 year old self needed a password to keep secure. Anyway, I started writing in high school, but not as consistently as I did in college. My entries were pretty off and on for a couple of years, and there’s spans of about 5 months where I didn’t write a single thing so it’s basically like it didn’t happen. Ever since the second half of my senior year, I have most of my life accounted for, and I have found the process to be liberating. Both the act of writing itself, as well as going back every now and then to read what I wrote. Truthfully, I think this is what has helped me the most. I know it might sound silly, but allow me to explain why this simple practice has benefited my life so much.

The thing about journaling is that it doesn’t have to be a lot, and it doesn’t have to be profound. There is no minimum word count, and no spell check. Just write. Writing can be a way to vent and let your feelings out without telling anyone (not that you shouldn’t tell anyone, but just in case you might not be ready to share with another person). You can write about anything, and you have permission to say anything you want. No one is going to see it, unless you choose to share, and you’re not turning it it in for a grade, unless you also choose to do that. After all, it is your journal and I can’t tell you what to do with it. I also can’t tell you how to write or what to write about, but I can give a couple of ideas to help you get the process started.

Here are a couple prompts to write about:

• Write about your day. The best parts, and the worst.

• Write when you’re having a bad body image day, or negative thoughts about yourself. Write down what you are feeling, why you’re feeling that way, and what will help you overcome those thoughts and feelings. Sometimes in doing this, you’ll see that it’s all in your head, and the way you’re seeing yourself isn’t your reality.

  • While bringing attention to all those hard, usually negative feelings is important for healing, I’ve also found it beneficial to write a few good things about my body next to all the bad I’ve listed. No matter how you’re feeling towards your body, it did get you through yet another day and deserves some love and credit for all of the things it does for you even while hating on it. Try to counter the negatives with a few positives.

• Write when you’re having a good body image day, and you’re feeling like a 10/10. For the same reasons I gave above, it’s important to acknowledge what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling that way, and what will help you feel that way more often. I know this can sound like a conceded thing to do, but isn’t this the goal? To love our bodies and feel strong and confident in them? It’s important to recognize what went into you feeling like the queen (or king) that you are, and it helps you notice what helped cultivate this state for you. It’s also neat to refer to on a day where you might be struggling, to figure out how to get back to that place of self love.

• Write when you made a step (forwards or backwards) in your progress towards healing whatever you’re going through. This could be you food choices, for example choosing to eat a snack before bedtime instead of going to bed starving because you don’t usually allow yourself to eat after a certain hour, or eating ice cream instead of choosing to restrict. It could also be choosing to workout when you didn’t feel like it, or choosing to rest when you felt like you needed to.

• Write about the people in your life. The people you are thankful for, the ones you couldn’t live without. Write what they mean to you, and what they do for your life. This may seem unrelated to all the other issues I’ve discussed, but it’s always encouraging to remind yourself that you have people in your corner and people who care about you.

  • If you’re ready, maybe even start to identify that one person, or a few people, who you would feel comfortable confiding in about the struggles you’re facing, and ask them to help hold you accountable. This was a huge step for me, as I realized that saying it out loud is relieving and also allows other people to step in the fight with you instead of trying to do it alone.

As I said, these are just a few ideas to help you get started or to keep you going. I can’t encourage you enough to just try it out, and if you absolutely hate writing, or try it and find that it doesn’t do anything for you, maybe I’ll discuss another practice that is more beneficial for you next time. Personally, I could write for hours on end, but I’ll wrap it up so you can get to writing on your own. Happy journaling!!!

This One’s on Collegiate Athlete Retirement

I don’t have my certification in collegiate athlete retirement, but I have been through it (twice) and I feel like that qualifies me to share my thoughts and offer up some advice. As another school year and many sports seasons come to a end, I have a lot of younger friends who are just finishing up their careers. I have tried to ask all of them one simple question: “how are you doing?” because I know that when I was at that point, I was in fact not doing okay, and didn’t know what to do with any of my emotions. If you weren’t an athlete it can be hard to understand how difficult this truly is and the significance behind it. And if you are currently an athlete, I believe that you really don’t understand the extent of your career ending until after it has already happened.

It goes something like this: you play your last game, you come up short and when the game is over you (might) immediately cry because you know your sad, you know that’s what you should be doing, but you don’t really understand yet. You spend the rest of that night hugging your teammates, coaches, and maybe family, just trying to soak it all in. You take your jersey off one final time, and (maybe) cry yourself to sleep. The next morning you wake up and it starts to hit you, it’s really over. As much as your younger teammates and coaches love and care about you, it’s not over for them, and they have another season coming up to look forward to. The only people who can really empathize with you are your fellow seniors. Even then it’s hard to communicate what you’re actually feeling because it’s unfamiliar for all of you.

You might begin to experience feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and just purely feel lost. These feelings are real and they’re valid, and they can last a lot longer than you ever expected. I understand that everyone’s situation is different, especially this past year with Covid-19. Not everyone’s season or career ends the way they were hoping for (considering we can’t all end as national champions), but some are coming off tougher years and they aren’t as upset to be done. Some athletes are ready long before their season ends, so it might not be as tough of an adjustment as it is for others. But I believe that it still hurts to an extent. If you weren’t lucky enough to have an overall good collegiate experience, my heart goes out to you for that, and if you were-my heart also goes out to you because I know exactly what you’re dealing with.

I wouldn’t say my retirement was flawless, considering I deeply struggled with it for about a year as I have mentioned in the past. I also ended up playing another sport the following year so I didn’t really ace the whole collegiate retirement thing the first time. Take my advice with a grain of salt truly.

The main thing most of my friends/former teammates have said when I ask how they’re doing is “I don’t know what to do now.” Of course they’re sad about everything, but when reality sets in a couple days after the final buzzer, you realize that you don’t know what to do with yourself or your time now. This is totally normal. For the majority of your life, as an athlete you’ve had your entire day lined up for you from sunrise to sunset, and found time for yourself in your spare time (if you had any). But now, all of a sudden you have ALL of the spare time. It’s honestly very overwhelming and hard to figure out how to structure a day without practice, weights, study hall, meetings etc. For the longest time, all of this came first and you plugged the rest of your life in around it, but now maybe for the first time, you are your priority. This is uncharted territory for most, and it’s pretty intimidating.

Most will graduate not long after the ending of their career, which makes it easier to move on. Some will still have time left at their school afterward, whether it be a semester or longer. Like I said, everyone’s situation is unique and can’t all be treated the same. I don’t have all of the answers for how to perfect retirement, but I have a few bits of advice that might help…

1. On working out - keep doing it if you want to and it’s something you truly enjoy. If not, stop. Simply take a break for a while and allow your body to actually rest for once until you’re ready to go again.

2. Find a type of exercise that you ENJOY. You do not have to do the same workouts you have always done, and you have all of the freedom to try a new group class, start running more, or idk become a professional rower.

   Also just a side note: it doesn’t matter how high you can jump, how fast you are, or literally anything else. That may be freeing for you to try new workouts, or it might scare you!! Not sure, just something to think about.

3. Make a list of the things you’ve always wanted to do, but have never done them because of your sport. Big or small things, start doing them.

4. Find something you enjoy doing and a newfound passion of yours that you might not have had the time to discover beforehand. Do a lot of that.

5. Spend more time with people. Focus on your family and friends, and try to fill your spare time with others to help fill the void. (If you’re an introvert, maybe try the opposite).

6. If you’re like me and the ending of your career was too abrupt and you weren’t ready to let go, try to stay around the sport for a while longer. Find a way to be involved and still play when you have the desire to.

   For example, get your fellow seniors to play intramurals in your sport and just beat up on everyone else for the sake of your pride and to feed your competitiveness.

7. Sleep in for once.

8. Go easy on yourself. No one is expecting you to be okay and just move on right after it ends. Have some grace as you enter this new phase of life and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for how you cope.

To All the Body I’ve Never Loved Before

It’s the oldest phrase in the book, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” and I imagine you haven’t heard it since about middle school. If you’re anything like me, I bet you’ve spent most of your life thinking this applies to what you say to others, and nothing to do with the words you exchange with yourself. I’m going to go out on a whim and say that most of the things you say to yourself, you wouldn’t dare say to anyone else, much less a friend or someone you care deeply about. So riddle me this, why is it okay when we say them to ourselves?

I am someone who absolutely loves handwritten notes and words of affirmation (aka my love language), which means this is how I show and receive love. I would never in a million years give someone a letter tearing them down for their body and all the flaws that I see, or literally say anything negative in a letter of affirmation. Nor would I be thrilled to receive a letter that said the same about me. So again I ask the question, why is it okay for us to do this to ourselves? 

As I’ve gone back and read my old journals, I have decided that the majority of these entries can be best classified as hate letters to myself. Now why on earth would I sit there and write hate letters to my own self about my own body? Believe me, it wasn’t intentional, it was simply natural - natural enough to become an unbreakable habit. The things I wrote simply reflected the way I truly felt about myself and how I viewed my body when I looked in the mirror. I was never intentionally trying to tear myself down, I was just so convinced that my perception was also my reality. I couldn’t separate the lies from the truth because I had been talking to myself this way for years and years. 

For example, in the fall of 2017 during the middle of my junior season, I wrote these words: 

“If I don’t have my skinny a** body, what do I even have? Nothing. I think about food so much that it’s annoying and causes me to overthink. I wish I was normal and would just eat whatever I want and not worry so much about it. I don’t love my body right now, in fact I don’t even like it.” 

You're probably thinking that this sounds incredibly dark and dramatic, and I agree. But it's also exactly how I felt at this time in my life. Reading back this entry made me realize a few things:

1. how terribly I not only thought of my body, but also how I talked to myself; 2. how much I actually believed the words I wrote; 3. the long lasting impact the words we say to ourselves can have; and 4. I’ve spent the better part of my life believing that if I don’t have a certain body, I have nothing to offer.

No one ever actually said these words to me. They only held so much power in my mind because I allowed them to, which meant I was the only one who could undo the damage. Since I wrote those sentences I have had to work on actively unlearning and unbelieving that they hold any truth. I don’t see myself being able to write those words down today in complete sentences, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t days where I don’t have similar thoughts. This shows that growth and recovery aren’t linear, and they take conscious time and effort. I didn’t wake up the following day suddenly feeling happy in my body. It’s taken over 3 years of waking up and actively trying to talk to and treat my body better, and I didn't truly start trying to change until about a year ago. I’ve failed more days at this than I’ve gotten right, if I’m being honest.

Like I said, this isn’t a transformation that happens overnight and there’s honestly no secret formula to changing the way you think about and talk to yourself. It's been very hard to change (or even budge), but I want to share something I've been doing to help with this process. One of the main things I have found to be helpful is writing positive affirmations to myself. I try to write 3 per day, and they look something like this:

“I am a good friend and care about my friends deeply,” “I am a hard worker,” & “I love my height.”

At first I had to convince myself that these positive affirmations were actually my truth, and it felt uncomfortable to speak nicely to myself. But guess what, it got easier. Sometimes none of them are about my physical appearance, and they’re strictly based on my qualities as a human being. Other days, I like to acknowledge the hard work that I do put in, and will hype myself up with compliments to my body, because someone's gotta do it, ya know? 

There isn’t a right or wrong way to do this exercise, and you’ll know what you want to say to yourself when you pause and take the time to do so. I like to do this in the morning when I first wake up along with writing 5 things I'm grateful for - it sets a positive tone for the day. This definitely won’t solve all your problems, but it’s a very good place to start.

I do have good and bad news for you. The good news is whatever mindset struggles you’re facing are not permanent. The bad news is that the shift to a more positive mindset and self talk won’t happen instantly, BUT it definitely won’t happen if you never decide to make a change. It might take a couple months, or maybe a couple years depending on the length of time that your habit has been ingrained in you. All you can do is take this 24 hours at a time and try to win the daily battle. I continue to wrestle with negative body image more than I would like to admit, but I've found it helpful to try to contain those thoughts into moments, rather than letting them linger throughout my entire day. 

I know that most of the time, these negative body image thoughts or feelings are temporary, and they do not define me or how I view myself as a whole person. I’m still working on retraining my mind, and I have a feeling I’ll never be done with this process, nor do I ever want to be. I am not where I want to be in terms of the way I view and talk to myself, but I am so thankful I’m no longer spending my spare time writing hate letters to my body.

A Disorder in Disguise

Now hear me out, I want to make it clear that I worked my butt off throughout my college career because I wanted to be as good as I could possibly be, for myself and even more so for my team. Everything I did was catered towards trying to break the ceiling of who I was as an athlete, and I can say in full confidence that I gave it absolutely everything I had. Sure, there’s some days when my 100% didn’t look as impressive as other days, but I always left everything I had on the court or in the weight room. During my career I was simply doing what I knew to do: to train as hard and as often as I could, to eat the foods that I thought would benefit me, and to push myself to new limits daily. In the heat of all of this, I can honestly say I was never doing any of it to try to harm myself or my body. I just didn’t know any better or different, and I was doing what I thought I needed to do.

The driving factor for everything in my life was my sport. With every decision I made, I had volleyball in mind. I wasn’t under-eating by approximately 1,000 calories intentionally, that was just a by-product of my lack of nutrition knowledge at the time. I was simply doing the things I thought to be healthy, and was honestly convinced that I was the epitome of health. When I realized the degree to which I was under-fueling, I didn’t change anything because it was working and always had, so I didn’t see a logical reason why I needed to alter the one area of my life that I thought I had under control. Working out on my off days wasn’t all punishment induced. Yes, sometimes I did it because I felt that I had eaten to much, didn’t deserve to rest, etc. But at the end of the day, I was doing it because I believed that putting in the extra work that others weren’t would only set me up for success in the long run. I knew that my competition was resting, and I saw this day as a way to gain an advantage over everyone else. It wasn’t all selfish, because I knew that any degree of improvement for myself, also meant for my team. I for sure wasn’t deliberately trying to prevent my muscles from properly recovering, or trying to deprive my body from rejuvenating after a long week. I didn’t know how much I needed those by-products of an off day to help me become a better athlete. At the time, I thought all of those things would just hold me back, so I did the exact opposite.

If I haven’t made it obvious yet, I did the things that I did because I wanted it so dang bad. I wanted it at whatever cost, and I was willing to do whatever I thought it took. I wanted to achieve my goals and dreams, but even more importantly, the ones my teammates and I had set out to accomplish. I was just trying to carry my weight of it all, and didn’t want to let anyone down by not being at my best every day. I didn’t see the bigger picture until I was done playing. I had no idea that a lot of the things I was doing were often unnecessary, or not beneficial, and I never dreamed that I was the unhealthy one.

When I finished playing, I still had the drive to push myself and go to extreme measures to be my best, but something was missing. That “something” was simply a reason for it all. The motivation and driving factor that I had relied on for years and years was suddenly gone. I still wanted to workout as hard as I had my whole life, but there was no longer an actual reason to do any of it. Not for myself, and not for my teammates. The desire was there, but the dreams and constant goal chasing were yanked from underneath me overnight. All I was left with was the other side of things; the unhealthy, obsessive, dangerous side that I never knew existed until it was all that remained.

What’s ironic is the way it all overlapped.

I wouldn’t say I used my sport and goal chasing as an excuse, but rather that it helped hide the severity of what I was truly facing. I was so deeply caught up in my career and my team’s success for so long, that I never took the time to stop and get to know myself outside of the game. I knew myself on the court like the back of my hand, and probably could have played with my eyes closed if I had to (I basically did that when my contact would fall out mid game and I didn’t want to come out to get a new one). I knew how to work with my teammates, what motivated them, and how to get them fired up. I put all of my time and energy into these things, and almost none into myself, and I liked it that way. I never had to ask or wonder who I was as a person without the game, because I still had it. I knew who I was when my identity was found on the court, and my worth was driven by success and accolades. I also didn’t see that as a negative characteristic of mine at the time. I simply saw it for what it was-chasing my dreams. When my career ended, my identity was gone. Whether I wanted to or not, this is what opened the door to me starting to tap into who I was without a volleyball.

It took almost a year after the closing of my career for me to see my disordered eating and over-exercising for what it really was. It was no longer able to hide in the shadows of my athletic dreams or be mistaken for crazy work ethic. Of course I knew that I ate differently and exercised more than the average college athlete during my career, but I never realized how deep it ran until it was all I had left. I was clearly aware that I had body image issues during this time, and it bothered me somewhat, but I also thought it was normal so I didn’t really sweat it too much. Eventually it became all I had left to sweat because even though volleyball was over, this part of me still remained. I didn’t do the things that I did as an athlete because of the disordered eating or body dysmorphia, but the things I did inadvertently took care of and satisfied those issues.

Picture it like this: volleyball was my umbrella, and everything else (disordered eating, body image issues, over-training, etc.) was kept safe and sound underneath the umbrella. Volleyball took the fall and the blame for everything underneath it, and I never had to worry about those things on their own until the umbrella was gone, and all things were exposed for what they truly were. If one of those factors was bothering me, I would just take it out on my game and go even harder in my training or alter the way I was eating to try and fix whatever I was feeling. Think about it, all the reasons I gave for working so hard and eating the way I did were actually fueling the issues I had, I just didn’t know it. They were becoming a deeper part of me year by year, with every workout and meal decision I made, and it was never evident until I had nothing else to attribute these habits to.

I don’t blame the sport of volleyball for it, because the ball itself didn’t cause this. It was all of the factors that went into becoming the athlete I wanted to be, and my belief that I was going about it all the right ways. I also kind of definitely blame it on diet culture and it’s prevalence within sports that made me think everything I was doing was not only normal, but exceptional. People praise you for engaging in certain behaviors to such an extent where you don’t think there could be possibly be anything wrong, and I thrived off of that adoration. This is how I (and many others) got away with it. I got away with it until I was no longer an athlete, and I realized the things I was doing might not have been as normal or healthy as I was led to believe.

I know what it takes to become the athlete you want to be, and sometimes it does require putting in work on an off day, or choosing one food over another. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with making choices to benefit or fuel your game. What I am saying is that it’s important to take a step back and try to recognize why you’re doing the things you’re doing, and if they could be doing more harm than good for your body or game. There’s no right way to chase your dreams, and I’m proud of the way I went after mine. I only wish I would have been more prepared to handle the underlying issues when it all came to an end and no one was praising me for my “healthy habits” that were just disordered in disguise.

Disordered Eating Through My Eyes

Warning: this post may be triggering for those with disordered eating, an eating disorder, or those recovering/recovered from one.

The truth is that I started this draft last summer. That’s right, 8 months ago. I’ve re-read it and edited it countless times since then, but I never felt ready or vulnerable enough to actually publish this. In the spirit of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, I finally decided that it was time. In years prior, I would just sit back and read or listen to other people’s stories throughout this week, but never dreamed I would ever share my own. I also didn’t think I had a story worth sharing. That version of me is gone, and the more I learn about diet culture and the prevalence of eating disorders, the louder I want to speak up.

If I’m being honest, I often feel like a hypocrite when I sit behind my screen and type. I’m inclined to feel this way because I know that I’m not healed, and I still face the struggles I talk about so passionately. Yet, I think that’s exactly why I’m sitting here behind this screen. Not only to help and hopefully provide encouragement for others through my stories/experiences, but to continue to heal myself. I know that posting this won’t make my own condition any worse, but there is a chance that it could help someone else’s. So here goes nothing.

When most people think of the term “eating disorder,” a limit of three categories typically come to mind: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder. These are the most popular/commonly known types, but the umbrella of eating disorders doesn’t stop here. There are numerous other disorders, but what I have both past and present experience with is disordered eating. Disordered eating refers to a range of irregular eating behaviors that may or may not warrant a diagnosis of a specific eating disorder. Being a disordered eater doesn’t automatically mean you have an eating disorder, but it can often serve as a precursor. This may sound like it’s “not that big of a deal”, or that it “can’t be that bad,” which is what I’ve convinced myself of for years, but I’m here to drop some truth behind these misconceptions.

Disordered eating effects every decision I make about food during the day, and controls my basic thought process on a subconscious level to where I don’t even recognize it. I have dealt with this skewed view of food since middle school, but I didn’t put a name to the disorder until I was in college. I remember learning about it in one of my nutrition classes, and I had never felt more exposed. My professor read all of the signs and symptoms, and I felt my stomach drop. I always simply viewed myself as a “healthy eater” and someone who cared about their body. I thought my way of thinking about food was normal, but I quickly realized it was far from that. I would love to say that I have fully recovered, and I am typing on the other side of this disorder, but that would be a lie. At this point, I am generally well aware when I do have these thoughts, yet I am unable to turn them off. Just because I eat more frequently and have broadened my food intake over the years does not mean that the narrative I have around food has disappeared.

You may be wondering what exactly disordered eating looks like, and I want to help you try to understand. In my own experience, it looks like thinking about food constantly, but not eating that often. I overthink everything that I eat, and most days I under-eat. While I’m eating one meal, my mind is already thinking about what I’m going to eat for the next. I tend to overcompensate for “overeating” by intensifying my workouts, and feeling like I need to “earn” my food. I don’t usually eat the foods I actually want to eat, and it’s hard for me to eat outside of my food comfort zone. Restricting foods often leads to a binge whenever I do allow myself to consume these foods, which feels like an unbreakable cycle. I often try to push the limit between meal times, and try to stick to eating at certain times, rather than listening to my body’s hunger cues. I have anxiety when I travel, due to not knowing where I will be eating and sometimes having no control over it. I also get anxiety when I go out to eat with others, because the menu is out of my control. The stress of this leads me to feeling anxious and on edge, and I become very irritable in these situations. I often order food that I feel like I “should” eat, not what I actually want to eat. When the calories are listed next to items on the menu, it sends my mind into a spiral, and significantly influences my food choices. My absolute least favorite question is “where do you want to go eat?” I can’t explain the mental process I go through to try and answer that simple question. I’m always torn between trying to decide what I actually want, what I’ll allow myself to eat, and what others will want. These struggles are from my personal experience, and in no way reflects eating disorders/disordered eating as a whole.

For as long as I can remember, all I’ve ever wanted is to “eat like a normal person.” I just want to eat food and not think about it. I want to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and not feel a moral attachment to food. I want to listen to my body’s hunger cues, rather than ignoring them for so long that I become ten times hungrier than I was in the first place. I want to eat consistently and enough throughout the entire day, so that when nighttime hits I’m not wanting to consume everything in sight in response to the restriction I put myself through all day. All I have ever wanted is to have peace with food and to free up the space in my head that has been consumed with these thoughts 24/7 for many years now. I’m actively working on all of these areas, but it sure is tough.

Female athletes are incredibly susceptible to developing eating disorders/disordered eating, but mine was rooted long before my career actually took off. I set myself up for the perfect storm without even knowing it. With every new season of my career, the intensity and depth of my disorder grew to new heights as well. My disorder existed before, during, and after my career concluded - its just simply taken on a different look by disguising itself to fit in with each phase.

Disordered eating looks different for everyone, and symptoms vary from person to person. Thankfully, my relationship with food has improved immensely over the years, but I’m still not where I want to be. There are certain foods that I still have a hard time letting myself eat freely, and I am working on not viewing these foods as “bad” or “off limits,” and trying to add them in slowly. As crazy as it sounds, I feel that this has become a part of who I am, and to let go of all of these characteristics will mean losing part of my identity. There are many things I’m doing personally to retrain my mind around food and separate myself from diet culture...but that’s a topic for another day.

Sometimes I eat less than I should, sometimes I eat more than my body is comfortable with. Sometimes I eat a salad, sometimes I eat a lot of cookie dough. No matter what I eat or how much of it I eat, my mind is at war with itself. 

You might be wondering “how am I supposed to know if someone has an eating disorder/disordered eating?” That’s the thing, you won’t know because it’s not generally evident by someone’s physical appearance. Because of this, it is vital to respect other people’s food choices and refrain from commenting on them. I am triggered by numerous things, but one that has the greatest effect on me is when people comment about what I eat (or don’t eat). I will never say anything about another person’s food choice, because I know the effects it has on me when the roles are reversed. Also please be careful when commenting on someone’s weight-you never know what’s behind the weight loss or gain. Another thing to be conscious of is talking about your “diet” or “what food group you’re cutting out” or “needing to work off your food,” as statements like these can be incredibly triggering as well.

Eating disorders are not something to be taken lightly, and the severity of a person’s condition is not for you to determine, but to respect. You never know what that person is dealing with, and the anxiety that your words can induce. If you are someone who struggles with the issues I discussed, I see you and feel for you. Your condition is valid, and does not have to reach a certain breaking point before you seek help or recovery. I’m not a professional and I cannot help with any of these issues, but I am here to encourage you and let you know that you’re not alone. Healing isn’t going to be an easy process, but each step forward is a success and a step in the direction of the food freedom we all desire and deserve.

Ice (S)cream

I recently thought of a wild, random, somewhat irrelevant memory I have from college volleyball. Throughout the season we would do certain things to earn a “pocket ice cream” which just meant that our coach owed us ice cream, but we couldn’t just stop practice to go get it (don’t know why). I’m pretty sure we got up to like 10, so essentially there was no room left in her pockets. I’m also pretty sure we never actually got all of them...but that’s besides the point.

I remember one day during off season my sophomore year we got a message that simply had an address and told us we needed to meet there at our scheduled practice time. Naturally, everyone was suspicious and we tried to look up the address, but it just came up as a random building that no one could identify. All of us automatically assumed the worst, and everyone was joking that we were going there to do conditioning. Everyone except me. I was lowkey hoping it was some type of physical activity or conditioning. There was also talk that we might be cashing in one of the infamous pocket ice cream’s that we had saved up, which brought me overwhelming anxiety. In the off chance that this was the case, I began to come up with an alternative workout plan for myself that would take place right after we left the ice cream shop. I was also dead set on either not ordering anything, or just ordering something small and not eating all of it. 

Spoiler alert: we ended up getting ice cream, no physical punishment attached. I’ve never compared notes, but I’m almost positive I was the only one on my team upset about how this mystery played out. I realize that this is probably such a weird moment to remember, and in so much detail. I haven’t sat around and thought about this moment since it happened close to 4 years ago, but all it took was one recent experience involving ice cream and volleyball for the flash back to come rushing in.

I don’t remember this because it was such a fun experience with my teammates, because the ice cream was that good, or because I had a day off from working out. I remember it because it was the opposite of all of those things, all of which were self inflicted. It was a moment in my career that was supposed to be fun and lighthearted, but I used it as a way to punish myself by having to “work off” all of the ice cream I ate (which I’m sure wasn’t even that much). Of course I went straight to the field house after so that I could go workout, because I was so caught up in my body and what I thought a day off, or a scoop of ice cream would do to me physically. Truth be told, it harmed me more mentally than any amount of ice cream could have ever done to me physically. 

I’m not telling this story to ~scare~ anyone out of eating ice cream. I’m sharing it to show a real life example of how detrimental diet culture, disordered eating, and body dysmorphia truly are. To show how these issues can turn what was supposed to be a fun off day into an anxious spiral filled with self induced punishment. And to try and convey how prevalent these issues are within sports, even though this event had nothing to do with my sport itself.

This isn’t the only time I have ever allowed my disordered eating to ruin a fun time, nor was it the last time I’ve experienced this. I still deal with this type of thinking and have to face similar situations weekly, if not daily. If something possibly gets in the way of my normal eating pattern, or I’m invited somewhere with an unknown or “unhealthy” menu, I am extremely hesitant and have declined such offers multiple times. I’ve missed out on so much in my life because I’ve put my fears of certain foods above everything else.

I’ll be the first to say, it’s hard to get over these ideas and beliefs around food and exercise. It’s hard to stop viewing workouts as a way to “burn off food” or as a means to determine how much food I allow myself to eat. I still fight this way of thinking, but at least now I’m aware of when these thoughts occur. If I could re-live that random spring day in 2017, I would eat multiple scoops of ice cream in the presence of my teammates and best friends. I wouldn’t immediately sneak away to the gym right after either. I wish I could have that simple moment back and experience it the way it should have been, along with many other moments.

Diet culture and disordered eating can take a lot away from you, and can make you feel trapped inside your own mind and body. I couldn’t tell you a single exercise I did in my punishment driven workout that day, which goes to show that it didn’t really matter. What mattered was being present in the moment during our spontaneous ice cream adventure, which I was anything but that. I no longer want to be so caught up in what’s on, or not on, my plate that I’m robbed of fully experiencing the things in life that truly matter.

Ps: If any of my teammates are reading this, I’m ready to cash in the other 9 pocket ice creams when y’all are.

Under the Uniform

Let’s admit it, there’s an unrealistic expectation for women to look a certain way which has continued to evolved over time. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this expectation is often even more strict on female athletes, and athletes in general. Somehow over the course of time, it was decided that athletes are supposed to look a certain way and embody an aesthetic specific to their sport in order to be successful. As a collegiate athlete, you are viewed as the best of the best, and apparently there’s a particular body type required. An article by the NCAA described this issue perfectly by saying, “sportswomen have two body images – one within sport and one outside of sport, and disordered eating or an eating disorder can occur in either context or both.” I think this physical standard has always been in place, but over time it has become more strict and unforgiving.

If we’re being honest, we all know that social media has become the catalyst of these unspoken expectations. This phenomenon is also prevalent within the athletic community itself. During my college days I found myself comparing my body not only with those that I played next to, or against…but those that I found on social media and had zero personal connection to. I allowed surface level, “highlight reel” pictures to dictate if I was worthy or not to call myself a college volleyball player. I thought to myself, if those girls can and do look like that..shouldn’t I also look this way? Or at least do whatever it takes to try? I was longing to achieve a body that I had never seen with my own eyes, and didn’t even know if it was possible for me to obtain. I also didn’t have any idea if this desired body would be able to match my desired level of play on the court. I just knew I would look good, and then I’d figure the rest out after that.

Being an athlete not only raises body image/body dissatisfaction issues, but also places athletes at a higher risk in numerous categories. Let me put this into perspective for you. According to the National Eating Disorder Association, among female college athletes surveyed, 25.5% had a subclinical eating disorder symptom. Similarly, a study of female Division II college athletes found that 25% had disordered eating, 26% reported menstrual dysfunction, 10% had low bone mineral density, and 2.6% had all three symptoms. (This is known as the female athlete triad, and I’ve lived it). Lastly, in a study of Division 1 NCAA athletes, over one-third of female athletes reported attitudes and symptoms placing them at risk for anorexia nervosa. Didn’t know any of that? It’s because this is not something most athletes want to talk about, or might not even be aware of themselves. Heck, I still struggle talking about this because it makes me feel weak. But these statistics do not lie, and I know that because I contributed to them.

As I’ve reflected back, I believe that part of the reason for lack of discussion is that as athletes, we convince ourselves that it’s not only normal, but expected (and somewhat encouraged) to feel this way. These unspoken standards are already in place when you set foot on campus, so it’s easy to believe they just come with the collegiate athlete territory. Knowing how badly I silently struggled during college makes me wonder how many of my teammates were going through the same things. I wish it was more normalized to talk about these issues, and that I wasn’t afraid back then, because we could have worked/talked through them together, and wouldn’t have had to walk through it alone. I am not oblivious to the fact that collegiate athletes are held to a completely different standard than others for obvious and justifiable reasons. I’m not saying that athletes should just chill and not put any type of pressure on themselves in terms of training and physique, but I do believe that it should be their own standard and not society’s.

Something that I think gets lost in all of this is the fact that these problems don’t just vanish once our careers end. These issues stick with us and follow us long after sport, because they’ve become a part of our daily lives, are deeply engrained into our minds, and we don’t see how we could possibly live or think any different. Whatever you are dealing with post-career life has been molded from years of experiences and beliefs, and it’s hard to detach from those.

It’s important to know that I am not implying that every single collegiate athlete struggles with body image, eating disorders, etc. If you’re reading this as a current or former athlete, and you absolutely cannot relate to anything I have said-GOOD. Everyone has their own battles, but these are the issues I can speak on and bring awareness to based on my experience. Being an athlete is about so much more than how you look, and we need to start admiring athletes for what they can do, rather than how they look while doing it. Maybe if society stopped caring so much about the appearance of athletes, and focused more on their performance, the statistics you read above wouldn’t be as prevalent. We’ve also got to better within the athletic community itself, and stop comparing our bodies to our teammates and people we see online who are possibly struggling just as much as we are.

What you look like under the uniform is not half as important as how you feel about yourself underneath. Train for performance rather than your aesthetic, and I can almost guarantee this will bring more satisfaction and better results than the other way around.

The Weight of the Scale

When I made the transition from high school to college athlete, I began to put on more muscle, as most college athletes do. Year by year I noticed my body was changing, and I kept finding parts of my body that didn’t look the same as before. I fluctuated within about 15 pounds throughout my career, but I’ll never forget stepping on the scale during 3-a days my senior year. I remember the exact room and place the scale was at when I looked down and saw the highest number I had ever seen pop up. I almost had to check and make sure one of my teammates wasn’t stepping on the back of the scale too (slightly dramatic). When I saw the number, my immediate reaction was announcing “PR” to my entire team, which means personal record. Look, our goal was to PR in everything we did when we tested during pre-season..but I can’t say the scale was one of those categories! I was confused because I had worked harder than ever that summer, and was lifting more weight than in the past. It didn’t make sense to me because I thought if I felt as good as I did, the scale should have reflected that by showing a lower number.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, this was the moment in my life where I realized it’s not about the number on the scale or the number on the tag. You can be the quickest, strongest, and most confident version of yourself, but the numbers will try to make you feel otherwise. Looking back, the number I saw that day was not even high..and was actually a healthier weight for my body than I had been at previously. Your gravitational pull to the earth is not an accurate reflection of your overall health and physical abilities.

I stopped weighing myself after this experience, because I realized how detrimental the scale was for my mental health. Like I said, prior to seeing the number on the scale, I was feeling great about myself and the hard work I had put in over the summer. It wasn’t fair to my body that I was letting a number trump all of the progress I had made. The job of a scale is simply to measure how much mass we have. It does not calculate for muscle, height, speed, etc. It’s almost as invaluable as BMI, but I won’t get into that right now. If we aren’t careful, the scale can hold an immense amount of power over us. Think about it, if you see the number that you were hoping for, you are typically in a better/more cheerful mood. When you see the opposite of what you were hoping for, the opposite feelings arise.

We owe it to ourselves to stop letting a number on a scale or a clothing tag determine our worth, or letting it determine the amount of confidence we get to have in a given day. I know I’m personally sick of these things robbing my happiness and confidence, and I have a feeling I’m not alone in that.

I still do not currently weigh myself, and I could not even guess how much I actually weigh. Part of me genuinely does not care what the number is, but the other part is fearful that knowing will cause me to fall back in the progress I have made over the years. I feel strong, confident, and happy in my current body, and I don’t want to put that in jeopardy and feel like I need to restrict or overexercise, simply to alter what I see on the scale. I understand that sometimes you have to be weighed, but you don’t always have to look at the number if you don’t want to. Thankfully, I never played for a coach who made a big deal about weight, but sadly I know not all athletes can say the same. Although you might have no control over how often you are weighed, or the comments you may hear, you can still choose the effect you let it have and how you respond.

It’s possible that your goal is actually to lose or gain weight, meaning that you can’t necessarily ditch the scale all together. It is perfectly fine to be working towards these goal, but I believe you can still go about it without allowing the scale to have total control over your life. Not everyone has the same goals, and some people do need to know their weight in order to see the progress they’re making. I’m not saying everyone has to throw out their scale and pretend it doesn’t exist, but it might be very beneficial for those who fear the thought of their life without it. If you are someone who weighs themselves frequently, maybe even daily, take small steps by just doing it a couple times a week. Eventually, it will begin to lose its power over you.

Thankfulness Over Thinness

“How do I look skinny after Thanksgiving??” an actual question I was asked a few weeks ago. I responded with “don’t ever ask me that question again.” And I meant it. I also didn’t know what else to say, because I was baffled to even be asked that question so bluntly. It was said in a lighthearted, joking manner...but there was a greater amount of truth behind it than jokes. I couldn’t stop thinking about that question all day, and it’s honestly been on my mind ever since, because I knew they weren’t the only one seeking legitimate answers to that question.

As a society, we have created this idea that we are supposed to “look skinny” all of the time, 365 days a year. If you stop and think about what “looking skinny” actually means and looks like, I bet we all have a different picture in our heads to begin with. We are all chasing the same idea of what we think is beautiful, yet it looks different for everyone. We are engaging in a never ending, impossible to win cycle. We are so deeply rooted in our weight and appearance that we can’t even enjoy the holidays. And by “we,” I do in fact mean me. I am just as guilty as every single person in this area, and I have lived most of my life in fear of no longer “looking skinny.” The holiday months are undoubtedly my favorite time of the year, yet they bring me so much anxiety. It’s not because of family, or any other situation you might think. It’s because of food. There is SO MUCH of it. Everywhere. Every time you turn around there’s more food. Look, I’m not saying endless food is a bad thing and I’m not at all complaining about it. I’m expressing the feelings it can stir up in those of us who become anxious around food in general, especially at the thought of endless amounts of it. 

The infamous thanksgiving morning 5K, or ~turkey trot~ is a perfect example of how we as a culture view food and exercise. I have participated in this event, not because of my love for running, because that doesn’t exist. Rather, I wanted to make sure I burned enough calories to earn my thanksgiving food and so that I could eat more with less guilt. Sound familiar? (I’ve heard rumors that people do actually enjoy running long distances, so if that’s you, go trot that turkey). But for the rest of us, this isn’t necessary, and it’s not how it has to be. I understand that it may give you peace of mind to get up and move your body on a day like Thanksgiving, and that’s completely fine! I encourage you to do so if you are engaging in exercise out of enjoyment, but I think we need to be cautious when we find ourselves breaking a sweat that’s solely driven by guilt and shame. 

Foods are not inherently good or bad, they have no moral conscience. You are allowed to eat whatever you want and however much your body desires. Not only on Thanksgiving day, but everyday of the year. I have recently read that anxiety around holiday foods comes partially because we view these foods as “off limits” every other day of the year, only causing us to go overboard on the one day where we actually allow ourselves to consume them. This year, I encourage you to ignore the food rules and labels you have attributed to certain foods, and allow yourself to eat the dang food. Not only eat it, but go back for seconds-maybe even thirds if you’re still hungry! I know it can be challenging when family members or loved ones make comments about your body or what’s on (or not on) your plate. We can’t control the words they say, but we can choose to not be affected by them, stand our ground, and eat the pie anyways. 

You do not have to earn your food on Thanksgiving, nor do you have to earn it the other 364 days of the year. Food is fuel, and our bodies simply need food to survive. You also don’t need to workout extra the day before or after in order to be worthy of enjoying your food. Let’s change the narrative around holiday food this year, which starts by eating what we want and sticking up for ourselves when our choices are challenged.

Finding Fitness as a NARP

NARP stands for Non Athletic Regular Person. There is no shade in this acronym for non athletes, it’s just what ex-athletes use because we simply don’t know how else to refer to ourselves. It’s basically a coping mechanism for no longer being able to call ourselves athletes. I’m slightly offended by the term myself, but it is what it is. I spent the first year in denial that I was no longer an athlete, and I honestly sometimes still can’t believe I’m not. I missed being one so much that I decided to pick up basketball for my 5th year of eligibility at UWF, but that’s a story for another time. The point is, I have always loved calling myself an athlete and being known as one. I love working out, and I honestly enjoyed harder practices or lifts where I felt like I was achieving borderline cardiac arrest the most. The post workout feeling is something my body craves, and I love to push my body and get some type of sweat in every day.

When I was done playing, none of this changed for me, I just no longer had a structured workout schedule set in stone. On top of that, the hardest part for me was finding the motivation to workout on my own now for essentially no purpose at all, and not having anyone to tell me when, where, and how I was going to workout. We go our whole lives with every rep, every set of our workouts planned for us, and all we have to do is show up. Then all of a sudden that changes, and we are left to figure it out on our own. I once heard someone say they had convinced themselves that every workout they did as an ex athlete had to mimic the intensity of their college days, and I couldn’t relate to that more. Although I often still fall into this way of thinking, I’m realizing that not every workout has to be the hardest one I have ever done, and sometimes it’s enough to simply show up and move for the day.

I never really took any time off from working out after my career ended, because I thought that I would never start working out again if I did. For a while it honestly felt mindless, and I never truly stopped to think about why I was actually there without being forced. Looking back, I have identified that for many months I was solely showing up out of habit and routine (and a fear of weight gain), rather than personal desire to stay healthy in my new life away form sport.

I was so afraid that taking any time off would cause my body to completely transform, and I would lose all muscle on my body within a few weeks, even a couple days off...but I have learned that’s not quite how the body works. Since then I have maintained a pretty consistent workout routine. I typically workout 5-6 times per week, which is my ideal schedule in a perfect world. But, what I’ve learned is that I do not live in a perfect world. Life happens and sometimes I’m not able to train as frequently as I’d like. I would be lying if I said that I don’t get anxiety whenever I’m not able to workout, because that’s just the way my mind is wired. Whenever I go on trips, I immediately try to figure out when/where/if I’ll have gym access and if not, I become very stressed. Almost so stressed to the extent that it has the potential to ruin my whole trip if I can’t workout. Sometimes I do truly enjoy working out while on vacation, but it can also feel like a burden. As I talked about in a previous post, I’ve been working on allowing myself to rest and not beat myself up whenever I miss a workout, but I still have a tough time with that.

I am not motivated every single day to workout. There, I said it. In fact, it’s actually quite the opposite. Some days I just really do not want to go to the gym, and I imagine how much more free time I would have if I simply didn’t do it. Ironically, the days I dread it the most sometimes end up being the best workouts. Over time I’ve realized that consistency and routine keep me going to the gym regularly. If we only did things whenever we “wanted to,” I imagine we wouldn’t get very much done, or at least I wouldn’t! Working out is no different. I have never regretted a workout, and I always feel so much better after. Being in the gym has always been my outlet, and that still holds true today. The difference now is that I do the workouts that I actually want to do, and nobody is forcing me to do anything I don’t want to. I’ll probably never go workout on a track again, and if you see me there call the cops because I’ve been body snatched.

Honestly, at this point in my life I feel like I need to workout to maintain the ability to carry all of my groceries up to the 3rd floor in one trip, without needing a respiratory therapist. 

This post isn’t just for ex-athletes, but for everyone out there. I am not writing this to try to force everyone to workout 5/6 times a week. Rather, I want to encourage all of you to find some type of exercise that serves as your stress relief, and helps you feel confident in your own skin. This will look different for every person, because we are all different people with various needs and enjoyments. Whether that means that you stop making excuses and simply go to the gym, join a yoga class, start lifting weights, go for a run, or go outside and get a daily walk in, find what brings you joy and pursue that. I think we over complicate fitness and moving our bodies so much that it becomes intimidating and unappealing to many. I would like to announce that those days are over, and from now on we are doing things that make us feel alive, excited, and help keep us in shape to carry our groceries in one trip. Also, gotta stay ready because you never know when you’ll get called up to play a sport you haven’t played in 5 years!

Identity Crisis

I’m an enneagram 3, aka the achiever. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that, the enneagram is a personality test that has exposed me while simultaneously allowing me to better understand myself. I am driven by success, accolades, achievement, and my performance. In my eyes, my self worth and identity has always been measured through what I accomplish. I didn’t realize how deeply rooted I was in this way of thinking until I no longer had any accolades to measure my value with. I received a couple of awards throughout the following weeks of my career ending, which allowed me to hold on to this part of my identity for a bit longer. After that, some additional awards trickled in the next semester, so my worth was still hanging on by a thread. Then one random day it was over, and it hit me like a train that I would no longer be able to validate myself through my achievements on the court. For months I genuinely felt that I had nothing to work for, nothing to fulfill me, and nothing to define me. My identity was gone.

I wish I had realized that my value doesn’t change based on my stats or my performance years ago. That would have made the transition after I finished playing much easier, but also would have alleviated a lot of pressure during my career. I struggled with performance anxiety to an extent, and most of it was self induced. If I had a bad game, or what I viewed as “bad,” I was in an immediate terrible mood. At the beginning of my college days, if I didn’t play well and we won, I was still lowkey upset. Thankfully, as I got older I was able to let that selfish part of me go, but I then started to blame all of our loses on myself. On the other hand, if I performed to my standards and met the expectations I had set for myself, life was good. I’m sure I was a bundle of joy to be around after I had a bad game, and I apologize to all those personally victimized by my mood swings. This was a roller coaster way to live, considering we played multiple games a week, sometimes per day. It was tough for me to shake bad past performances, but I also found that I was able to use the good ones to build my confidence for the future.

After matches we would talk in the locker room and the final stats sheet would get passed around. Before looking at the sheet, I already knew if I was interested in what it had to say or not, based on the kind of game I had (or thought I had). If it was good, I was one of the first ones to check the exact numbers I put up, but if I felt the opposite, I wanted nothing to do with that sheet. I had already determined my worth for the rest of the night before seeing the actual stats, and I kept this up for 4 years. I haven’t admitted this to anyone else, although I’m sure it’s not breaking news, but I thrived off of recognition. I never asked for it verbally, but through my play and work ethic, I was screaming to be acknowledged. Somewhere during my career, I started to believe that my entire identity rode on my success, and I never stopped believing that. Whether it came as instant gratification in the form of player of the week, or delayed until the end of the season as All-Conference/All-American honors, I desired this validation. I allowed these things to fill my cup, and when I didn’t receive acknowledgement, I was empty and felt unworthy. 

Being motivated by accolades is fine, and ultimately it works, but it also means that it’s all I was able to think about. Obviously, awards are based off of statistics...which meant that I had to show out every single match to have a shot at the accolades I had my sights set on. I got so caught up in stats and what numbers I needed to put up, that it started to have a negative impact on my play. It also made the game less enjoyable for a while. During the beginning of my junior year, I remember really struggling with this and not being able to get out of my head about stats, due to the pressure I put on myself trying to measure up to my performance the previous season. I texted my dad and told him that it was affecting my play and I didn’t know how to get break this cycle. He responded with a line that I’m sure he hasn’t thought about since but I’ll never forget, “play for fun and the stats will come.” I kept this phrase with me for the next two years, and had to remind myself of it almost every day, sometimes mid game. Before every match my senior season, I drew a greater than sign on my left wrist to serve as a reminder that WE>ME, and I was playing for so much more than myself.

It has taken me a year and a half to start to truly realize and believe that I am more than my performance. I still struggle with this way of thinking everyday, it just looks different now that I’m not an athlete. I have had to dig deeper into myself to find what truly motivates me and fills my cup. To be honest, some days I really don’t know the answer to that, and I still feel empty without my accomplishments being tangible and no longer receiving praise for my stats. Ultimately I have come to realize that my worth and identity is in God. It always has been and always will be. I’m sure He was watching me put all of this pressure on myself and allowing a sport to validate me, all the while wishing I would just let go. God loved me just as much after my worst match as He did after my best. I now realize that the people who matter most in my life never loved me because I was good at blocking a volleyball. The same goes for you in whatever it is that you’re putting above Him, allowing it to determine how much you love yourself and those around you. You are more than what you do.

More Than Your Clothing Tag

Since I finished playing, and have simply gotten older, my body has changed. These changes aren’t drastic, and the average person probably wouldn’t notice...but in my eyes, it’s very obvious. I am still working out consistently, but that “being in volleyball shape” is a completely different animal. I am no longer jumping 500 times daily, doing constant quick agility movements, or working out for 3 hours a day. The type of workouts I do now are mostly lifting, with a hint of cardio or HIIT training. Since I have made these changes and my body has adapted, I have definitely noticed that my legs (and the related lower area) have gotten bigger. The fact that my legs have gotten bigger and stronger in itself is perfectly fine with me, that’s actually my goal, but it’s what happened as a result that I’ve struggled with. 

This result being that the majority of the pants and shorts I was able to wear in college seem to no longer fit me the same...or at all honestly. I have been struggling with this recently, but I’ve realized the voice whispering the greatest negativity about it can be found between my own two ears. The other day I caught myself trying on the same pair of shorts on separate occasions, 3 days apart. What did I think was going to happen in those 3 days you ask?? I was hoping the first day was a fluke, and now they would magically fit. That the seamstress who came in during the night and tightened those shorts would come back and fix them to their proper size. Ok I’m totally kidding, kinda. I tried these shorts on 3 days later, simply because I am having a hard time letting go. I would rather keep the same clothes I had in high school/college that I never wear because they’re so tight, than go to the store and pick up a bigger size that actually fits. Clothes also cost money, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Shopping can be exhausting when clothes aren’t fitting you right, and you’re trying to find a size you feel comfortable in. It’s almost as if it would be better if clothes didn’t have sizes, and we just got to try them on freely without the mental baggage of sizing.

My closet is full of shorts that almost fit, but don’t really fit. I’m in a situation where I wear a size medium and a half. You know, where medium’s are often a little tight, but the large’s seem to be a tad too big. I haven’t kept these clothes around in hopes that my body will change and I’ll suddenly fit into them again, but because getting rid of them means that I’m detaching myself from an older version of myself, which for some reason is very hard to do.

Not too long ago, I wanted to buy a pair of jeans online, but never went through with it because I just couldn’t get myself to press that button one size bigger than what I used to wear. At that moment, I realized something...when people compliment your clothes they don’t say “hey your pants are super cute, what size are they??” (and if they do, you should slap them). I was being so self centered and caught up in a number that I legitimately let it keep me from purchasing a pair of pants online. I can promise you one thing, no one cares more about your pant size than you do. 

Another thing that often makes the shopping experience defeating is the inconsistency of sizing. At one store you could be a solid medium in the pants, but at another store you can’t even pull the medium’s over your left calf. This is part of the problem with our culture today, and I firmly believe that it leads to increased body image issues. It’s tiring trying to find clothes that flatter you and make you feel confident, when you can’t even trust that the same size will fit you from one store to the next. The first recollection I have of this issue was with Hollister in the 6th grade. I will be the first to admit that I was not your average 6th grader, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be excluded from all of the middle school fashion trends. I remember going to Hollister to purchase some sick graphic tees with the bird on them, and I could barely fit into the sizes they had. At such a young age I realized that my body was built differently than most people’s, and I’d be lying if I said my 12 year old self wasn’t affected by that. Today I am still highly aware that my body is different than most, but that’s not what upsets me anymore. I am upset that clothes are tailored to those with “thin privilege,” excluding the majority of our female population. I’m personally speaking from this thin privilege perspective, meaning that I can go into any clothing store and find a size that fits me, even though the sizing may vary from one store to another. There are many women who do not have this same ability, which is a severe problem that often leaves many women feeling excluded and less valuable all because of a clothing tag.

“Clothes are supposed to fit your body, not the other way around.” This is a quote I saw recently that really hit home for me. Our bodies are supposed to change. It’s unfair to expect all the clothes that fit us at 17 years old to still fit 6 years later (yes, I’m talking to myself). For some, this could even mean that you started living a healthier lifestyle and your clothes are now too big. Either way, don’t beat yourself up for being human and for your body developing as a human body should. We can’t let inconsistent sizing determine our value in this world, or believe that sizing is a measurement of our health. A smaller clothing size does not increase your value in this world, and a bigger size does not decrease it either. Health at every size means that every body type can be healthy, and that skinny does not equate to healthy. Just because you have to click the button with a higher number than you did a couple years ago doesn’t mean you are any less healthy now. It simply means your body has changed, and you’ve outgrown your old self.